One Breath at a Time

     In May of 2021, I self-surrendered here at Fed Med, the Medical Center for

Federal Prisoners in Springfield, Missouri. A year later, the experiences of my first

days here fill my mind’s eye in technicolor. Although the culture shock was not as

jarring as Orange is the New Black as Piper Chapman's experience, acclimating to

prison’s written and unwritten rules, its daily and weekly rituals, its labyrinth of

tunnels and rooms, and it's inter and intra group politics, required patience,

adaptability and lucidity.

    A year later, these traits still help me navigate the sometimes tempest of

incarcerated life. In moments of anxiety, tension, and uncertainty but also in

times of joy, elation and accomplishment, I strive to stay rooted in my practice, on

the path and with the breath. As an incarcerated Buddhist, I go to the refuge of

the Buddha, I go to the refuge of the the dharma, I go to the refuge of the sangha.

    26 centuries ago, Siddhartha Gautama, a prince in northeast India had his certain

and secure reality shattered when he ventured out of his pleasure palace and

discovered sickness, old age, and death were immutable parts of the human

condition. It was the nadir of his life: it was it was also the door walked through

on a journey of personal discovery. That journey transformed himself and the

world through two and a half millennia.

    In January of 2020, my tenuous reality also burst, when my two lives collided

together, like weather fronts, and resulted in a maelstrom. My sunny public life as

an English teacher, speech and drama coach, community volunteer, and

homeowner and a member of a respected family portrayed a competent, stable

professional, giving and fulfilled person. There were dark clouds brooding

underneath though, Unable to find deep and meaningful love and intimacy

despite a sincere yearning for it, I turned to porn and sex to fill the void. Like any

addiction, I used these toxic and temporary escapes to mask and soothe

underlying personal pain. In my case I believed no one would love me because I

was unlovable and broken.

    Over years, I compartmentalized this life of cruising websites and hookup apps

from the life I could take pride in. I went down a cyber rabbit hole, becoming

desensitized to graphic content and engaging in increasingly frequent and riskier

behavior.

    My addiction culminated in a series of broken boundaries, toxic choices, thinking

errors end ultimate betrayals of trust. My nadir, the moment that my fragile and

duplicitous reality toppled, occurred on a cold January day. Instead of spending

the day teaching, I was interviewed by detectives in my living room, had my house

ransacked by police, was arrested for child pornography possession and was

booked at the county jail. When the jail psychologist, a parent of a former

student, asked how I was doing, I responded “I am fine,” still putting an outward

facade of stability. She told me the gentle truth” No, you're not, you don't have to

lie.” She was right. I started that morning donning a polo and dress pants eating

oatmeal and a banana and going through my planned lessons. I ended up wearing

striped smocks and Crocs living in a 10 foot by 6-foot locked room and wondering

what legally would happen.

    The wreckage of my maelstrom extended outward, through my school, my

students, my family, my friends, my community as my arrest and its details hit the

news. Just like Siddhartha though, this breakdown, this demolition of the double

life I knew, led to a rebuild. As Jane Hirschfield says, “In order to gain anything

you must lose everything.”

    Driven by the realization that suffering was universal, Siddhartha left his palace,

wife, and son to go into the wide world. He wanted to know how to live with the

inevitability of sickness, old age, and death. He eventually found a group of

aesthetics, individuals who practice severe self-denial of food and shelter. They

believed that by stripping away all sensory and temporal parts of existence down

to the bare, the mind would be free of distraction end attachment to transcend

the body. After years of this self-denial, though, Siddhartha still had not answered

his question about living with suffering. Neither the overindulgence of privileged

palace life nor the intense material poverty of asceticism led to bliss.

    My spiritual journey prior to my arrests went up peaks and down valleys. I grew

up Catholic, attending mass and CCD classes weekly. The God of my childhood

was tied to the senses, the Sunday morning sun refracting through the stained

cathedral glass, the resonance of organ and voice, joined hymns of community

and love. The aroma of burning incense, making prayers tangible, the cushioned

kneelers attached to hard pews and the warm hands of others reaching out

during the sign of peace. God was everywhere, God was love. I was fortunate to

have a series of priests in my parish and theology teachers at my Catholic school

who presented God as a friend, accepting, wise and accessible. By high school, I

was considering entering the priesthood and becoming a priest post college.

Looking back at this time though, my personal life was shallow and unexplored

like many teenagers. My senior theology teacher, Pat Golka taught a semester of

world religions, a survey of the precepts of different traditions and my

introduction to Buddhism. Shortly before graduation, she offered the sagacious

advice to not have blind faith but one that was informed, reasoned and

thoroughly explored. It was wisdom I wish I had embraced more.

    Entering college, I sought out a faith community to nurture my spirit and attended

the weekly Catholic group on campus and Sunday Mass. In one of the most

conservative dioceses of the United States, the God brought up in the homilies

and discussions was one who insisted on all following rules regulations and

requirements. Instead of an open discussion and exploration of spirituality, the

priest leading the fellowship group reinforced dogma and warned us to guard

against professors who would cause us to question it. This began a slow schism

with the faith of my childhood. The dualistic either/or and good / evil framework

presented lacked nuance for me. I began to question not only the theological

underpinnings of Catholicism and western monotheism but also its subversion by

politicians and movements to justify subjugation, discrimination, and violence

over the years. I changed my religious label from Catholic to Deist to Unitarian. On

a cognitive level I came to believe all religions contain truth, but none owned the

truth. While I had an intellectual stance I had no tangible daily spiritual life, a void

I started to fill with toxic and hollow alternatives.

    I viewed people as objects for use often instead of spiritual beings with inherent

dignity. At a deeper level I went down this path because I didn't value my own

worth. True self-love and compassion were absent.

    The first night in jail, I assessed my broken life and listed changes I needed to

make. Among that list, I put down” find a spiritual practice.” As one person in a

Scientific American article about social capital and minority communities said”

religion is for those who are afraid of going to hell, spirituality is for those who

have already been through it.”

    After departing the aesthetics with question still unanswered, Siddhartha found a

bodhi tree, sat at its base and began to meditate. Eventually, he woke up, fully

enlightened. He had awoken the Buddha nature within. Having found the answer

to his question, he spent the rest of his life teaching others where he had

unlocked. Truths that Buddhism teaches are omnipresent in every being.

In the weeks after my arrest and bonding out, I watched a PBS documentary from

the early 2000s entitled “The Buddha”. It shared the Buddhist story in teachings

through a mix of beautiful animation, engaging interviews and serene music.

Looking at it through the lens of my situation, Buddhism resonated with the way I

wanted to live and be going forward.

    Over the next 14 months awaiting my legal outcome, I read books, listened to

podcasts, and use a guided meditation app to deepen my dharma knowledge and

guide my practice.

    One Monday on my drive to therapy, I listened to ABC's Dan Harris podcast “Ten

Percent Happier” where he interviewed Fleet Maull, Founder and director of the

Prison Dharma Network. Fleet shared how his Buddhist practice helped him

navigate his 15-year incarceration, spur personal growth and ease other

incarcerated persons suffering. I read Mall’s book ”Radical Responsibility” which

gave a dharma influenced framework for personal transformation. Months later, I

was assigned to the same institution Fleet had lived, practiced and transformed

two decades before. When I say "I go to the refuge of the Buddha" I don't view

Siddhartha as a god to be worshipped. Rather here's an example of how anyone

from Fleet Maull to me, can travel the path from darkness to Buddhahood.

The Buddha laid out the guidelines for this path through his teachings of the

dharma. Instead of a prescriptive set of rules, the Buddha described truths about

living he had become enlightened to and laid out a set of potential practices

conducive to Buddhahood. 

    The core of the dharma, the Four Noble Truths, can easily be written on a note card, 

yet exploration of them through reading,  meditation and daily living offer continuous 

new insight and nuances. Through my incarceration, I have witnessed these truths play 

out in ways I never would have outside these walls.

    The first truth is: “There is suffering”. In the Pali language of the Buddhas time

the term “dukkha” is used, Which also includes the idea of dissatisfaction in life.

Often misunderstood as all of existence is suffering, the simplest statement

observes then any life contains dissatisfactory parts. Besides old age, sickness,

and death the Buddha encountered outside the palace, Dharma writings mention

separation from loved ones and being with difficult people as form of dukkha.

All five forms of suffering are omnipresent at Fed Med. As a medical facility,

USMCFP, houses men with chronic conditions like kidney disease, stroke and

paralysis. Guys with wheelchairs, walkers, and canes fill the hallways and rec

areas. Some are young and will be released eventually. Many, though, are in their

70s and 80s, often never leaving their medical unit and will leave here as a corpse.

I express constant gratitude for my physical health but also, I'm reminded that I

too will age, pale and die. In an often image obsessed gay culture, aging comes

with self-loathing and causes some to believe their best years are behind them. I

had this fear, feeling I would not be attractive or worthy or lovable. Now though, I

have accepted and embraced the naturalness of growing old. those who truly

value, respect, and love will not ebb in that as years pass.

    Incarceration also makes physical separation from those you hold dear a reality

you cannot avoid. While letters, emails, phone calls, and occasional visits help to

maintain connections, they don't replace being fully present for the life moments

of others, both the joyful and the sorrowful, the weddings and the funerals, in

triumph and in tragedy. Besides this separation from loved ones, being behind

walls, watchtowers and wire fences, forces you to live in a "fish tank" with people

who irritate and irk you. No true solitude is possible, only brief respites and self-

imposed boundaries from others. No “unfriend" or “unfollow” button exists. One

must coexist.

    The Second Noble Truth lays out the cause to DUHKKA: Desire. in the Buddhist

sutras, or writings, desire is divided into 3 poisons: Greed, desire to keep and

hold, Hatred or the desire to rid or destroy and Delusion, The desire to believe or

become something that which is not. Simply having desire is not the root of

dissatisfaction, instead it is the attachment to and preoccupation with them that

is unwholesome. To illustrate, wanting a morning cup of coffee is a neutral

intention, but when one attaches so much importance to it that not drinking it

ruins your days outlook and interactions; it crosses into klesha, the Pali term for

root of affliction..

    In prison, most of your daily actions are dictated by forces out of your control. For

example, the other day, the outdoor rec yard was closed due to staffing

shortages. I saw guys go into a rage over it, griping about it to one another for

several minutes, instead of accepting reality and moving forward. In my own

practice, I am working on accepting not having control of others behavior, speech

or beliefs. I have to recognize and allow my irritations to be present but not let it

fester into hatred.

    A major concept in Buddhism is impermanent nature of all things, called

” Anitya “in Pali. Specifically, one of the dharma teachings that resonated with me

early in my study was The Eight Worldly Winds. Coming in the pairs of praise and

blame, fame and disrepute, pleasure and pain, happiness and sorrow, we want

to attach to those, bringing positive feelings and eliminate those that elicit

loathsome ones. Like winds, even the strongest all will pass with time. As one

verse from Dhammapada states” Just as a solid rock is not shaken by the storm,

even so, the wise are not affected by praise or blame”.

    After establishing the problem, the reality of suffering, and its cause, desire, the

Buddha stated these desires and passions can be managed, that we don't have to

be bound by our cravings. Simple on its surface, this truth is liberation, opening a

door out of the burning room. Instead of being a slave to our thoughts, feelings,

desires, and insecurities, we can live with them in equanimity. As an incarcerated

person, you are not destined to live with torment, bitterness, stagnation and

hopelessness during your sentence. Liberation can happen anywhere.

The way to liberation, to bliss, to enlightenment, to Nirvana is laid out in the

Eight-fold Path. Instead of a set of commandments, a Buddhist must do to reach

Nirvana, the eightfold path is a set of conditions that help to liberate yourself

from dukkha . Similar to how water, soil and sunlight help a plant to thrive.

    In Buddhist imagery the paths elements are symbolized by spokes on a wheel,

representing the unified and cyclical nature of practice. There are :

Right Understanding, Right Concentration, Right Intention, Right Mindfulness,

Right Thought, Right Speech, Right Action, and Right Livelihood. Recently, our

Buddhist group discussed how "right" implies a “wrong” exists, a dualistic idea

contrary to Buddhist thought.

“Right” is relative to each practitioner's practice. Overall, the Buddha encouraged

practitioners to find their "Middle Way”. Just as he discovered that neither

extreme sensory self-indulgence nor extreme self-denial led to him to answer his

question, he taught that finding balance on the path is conducive to

enlightenment. Clinging onto thoughts and emotions is unwholesome.

I won't go through how each path's spokes fits in my practice, but I’ll

highlight a few examples. Mindfulness, a term ubiquitous in secular culture

currently, involves actively paying attention to the mind. As one person in our

Buddhist group coined “notice what you are noticing”.

The mind on a typical day is a NASCAR event, with thoughts and emotions

whirling by rapidly, without maneuvering though they can cause us to lose control

and crash with our words and actions into ourselves and others. With my cycle of

addiction, feelings of loneliness and inadequacy controlled me, leading me to a

cycle of thoughts and actions without wholesome intention. After the momentary

satisfaction I felt from porn and hooking up, shame and self-loathing would

overtake me often, or I would disassociate from what I just did. Mindfulness

practice in the form of meditation, slows down the car, lifts up the hood, and

inspects our mind gears in a spirit of curiosity, not judgment.

For me, sitting meditation is an (almost) daily practice to cultivate mindfulness.

Around 8:00 PM, I climb up to my top bunk, sit cross legged on my thin pillow,

position my palms upward, and shut my eyes. Many meditation practitioners

keep their focus anchored through the breath, because it is a neutral and

constant part of being. Thich Naht Hunh in his book ” refers to 16 mantras related

to the breath to guide meditation, starting with “ Breathing in, I know that I am

breathing in”, “Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out advancing onto

Breathing in, I am aware of my desires Breathing out I calm my desires.”

    Most meditators, even experienced ones, will testify that even with the consistent

and essential breath, the mind will wander to thoughts of the past, the future or

the world around you. Instead of admonishing myself for having my mind from

the omnipresent inhale/ exhale, I tried to note the thoughts popping up and softly

nudge my awareness back to my respiration. What floods to the surface often

surprises me: regrets of what I said earlier that day, what a friend is probably

doing 500 miles away, or what we're having for lunch the next day. Some

thoughts seem trivial fancies, others monumental turning points. Going back to

the car metaphor, structured sitting allows me daily to take the racing brain off

the expressway, park it in a well-lit garage, and let it sit.

    As Dr Thynn states in her book LIVING MEDITATION, LIVING INSIGHT, "If

meditation is to help you acquire peace of mind as you function in your life, then

it must be a dynamic activity, part and parcel of your daily experience.” The true

work is taking the practice on the pillow and applying it to people.

The most challenging part of my day is work. The actual work part is routine and

facile. But I work with individuals whose personalities are unpleasant to me.

Having to interact with them at 4:30 AM does that help the situation. I’ve let

annoyance of them turn to anger and then to malice, making me a slave to those

unwholesome persons. Those burning thoughts and feelings don't improve the

situation nor bring me peace after. I am aware it's not helpful though, and I try to

recognize when negative pops up who ply a couple techniques.

    One of these techniques comes from Tara Brach’s book, Radical Compassion

which teaches R.A.I.N.: Recognize, Allow, Inquire, and Nurture. Brach teaches

that it's important to simply recognize present thoughts and emotions. Then,

instead of muting them, allowing them to be in the mind and heart: however

instead of feeling them, we should investigate them objectively. How are they

impacting me psychologically? How is this emotion or thought similar or different

to other times? How did the thought or feeling develop? How long is it lasting?

Finally Brach advises to nurture ourselves by embracing grace, self-care or

positive affirmations. Brach is trained in psychology, but R.A.I.N. is very grounded

in Buddhist thought.

    This June, I found out that, due to heightened community COVID cases, my

visitation with my parents and sisters was cancelled. I had not seen them in more

than a year and looked forward to enjoying moments of connection with them.

Right after I found out, my R.A.I.N practice went into effect. I recognized the

sense of dejection and disappointment, allowed these feelings to stay as

temporary guests, checked in with its impacts of my breathing and posture and

showed gratitude for still having family in my life. It was an instance of equanimity

neither being attached nor detached to my emotions but being a compassionate

witness to them.

    METHE translated from PALI as ”friendliness” or “loving-kindness is also central in

my meditation practice. It forms the Brahma Viharis, or wholesome virtues, along

with compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity. In practice METTA it involves

saying and ruminating on phrases like” may I be free from inner and outer

suffering” and” may I experience peace and joy”. This friendliness extends

outward as well as with "May all beings be happy…. be as well as they can be….

experience peace and joy.” A core Buddhist concept is the idea of LANATMANI ,

translated as ego lessness, or "non-self", meaning that nothing has a substantial

realness because everything is changing constantly. This impermanence is called

Anitya in PALI. clinging to the “I” and wanting reality to be static leads to

suffering. Believing that you are inherently better or worse or deserve more or

less than others lead to suffering. Dehumanizing, othering, or pitying beings feeds

the ego and provides an illusory and temporary sense of control and security;

however, it feeds the poison of hatred and leads to suffering. Metta

acknowledges that all beings are experiencing the same fundamental conditions,

even the ones we find toxic, grating and difficult.

    Recently, I spent the day thinking the phrase” may you be happy; may you

experience joy! Anytime thoughts of loathing disgust, or judgment arose about

another person. It was eye opening how many times in one day I wish happiness

and peace to others. If it were a swear jar, it would be stuffed with stamps, the

prison currency of choice. While mantras like” may I be happy” or “may others

experience peace and joy” seem saccharine and Pollyanna like, I’ve found that it

made me witness when negative thoughts arise and redirect my intentions to

non-Ill will. While the incarcerated men around me a tapestry of races, religions,

ideologies, regions, socioeconomic backgrounds, education levels, and crime

histories, we experience the same loss of choice and separation from loved ones.

    Remembering this, I tried to place myself in the minds and hearts in difficult and

abrasive people and extend compassion to fellow flawed beings. I'm reminded of

“To Kill a Mockingbird’s Atticus Finches advice to his children Jim and Scout about

not knowing someone until being in their shoes. As a flawed unenlightened being,

I still succumb to greed, anger and delusion: the ego still overtakes, the mind still

wanders to the past and future, Despite these, I still go to the refuge of the

dharma because his life storms rocked my boat, the dharma’s compass keeps me

on the path.

    If the dharma serves as a compass, my weekly Buddhist group is an anchor

grounding me. The Buddha establish monastic communities known as Sanghas,

where monks and nuns gathered away from Main society to learn from teachers,

teach laypeople in exchange for alms in support each other’s practice. Later, as

Buddhism developed, the concept of SANGHA extended to lay people still

committed to enlightenment.

    Within a day of arriving at Fed Med, I discovered to my elation that a Buddhist

group met weekly. I remember my first Friday evening here, venturing to the

chapel after dinner, walking up a long ramp, entering an air conditioned, carpeted

room, and seeing a small group of guys seated on bright red and yellow cushions

in a circle. We begin with a short meditation and followed it with the reading and

subsequent discussion of THE HEART SUTRA. I remember Jeff McCadden, one of

current groups founders, taking time to introduce himself and welcome me. A

year later, I'm glad I made and continue that journey to the chapel.

Similar to Hogwarts Room of Requirement in the Harry Potter series Fed Med’s

Chapel transforms itself to meet the needs of users. The smell of incense often

greets me as I enter, a remnant of the messianic service of the previous hour.

    When not in use, our meditation cushions are stored in a movable wooden altar

engraved with “in remembrance of me”. Rolled up, colorful prayer carpets rest

against the wall, ready to be unfurled for Islamic groups. For our service, a

bronzed Buddha statue, electric votive candles, and a red and yellow satin banner

decorated with the eightfold path wheel grace a small table. For auditory effects,

Japanese flute music emanates from a stereo and the ringing of a singing prayer

bowl signals the beginning and end of meditation. In the incarcerated milleu

where color and decor are scarce, these small outward tokens refresh me and

hearken back to the sensory experiences I appreciated in Catholicism.

    Although others attend intermittently the current core of the Buddhist group

consists of Jeff McCadden , and Josh Parsons, Steven Strobel and me. each of us

has gone different journeys with Buddhism. Josh grew up Protestant, fell away

from religion entirely, identified as an atheist for a while, read up on Buddhism,

and realized its core tenets matched up well with his worldview. Jeff grew up and

lived without a religious tradition and came to Buddhism, based on a book

recommended by his daughter after being incarcerated. Steven still identifies as

Christian but is drawn to Buddhism’s reflective and cognitive nature, we hail from

different states from our 30s to 60s and hold the variety of jobs pre incarceration.

Conversely, we are all incarcerated for similar offenses, read voraciously, and

rattle off multisyllabic words with facility in our discussions. I think we all view our

weekly hour together as a mental respite, a place away from the madding crowd.

    While we learn from each other, our group is fortunate to have volunteers from

the Buddhist temple in Springfield visit monthly. The temple's congregation is

composed of both Vietnamese adherents whose families have identified as

Buddhist for generations and more recent practitioners coming from other

traditions. One of the latter is our volunteer teacher David, a former Baptist

minister. After tensions with a church member flared up so much that he was

having thoughts of violent ill will, David d he needed to find a new path to be with

his thoughts and emotions in a wholesome way. He resigned from his position

and began to explore Buddhism. He had a prior basic understanding of it and

studied it more in depth, eventually he traveled to Cambodia to study and

practice the dharma and in monastic setting. In contrast with his conservative

Christian upbringing, with teaching presented as black/ white , either/or, and

good/evil, David found nuance and pragmatism and fluidity. He was able to

explore how earlier traumatic experiences had been affecting him with self-

compassion and equanimity.

    Fellow teacher Kyle, also a recent practitioner was drawn to Buddhism after

realizing how anger was ruling him. Both came to a group monthly clad not only in

simple chocolate brown robes but in a spirit of humility, humor, honesty and

helpfulness. Our groups discussions range from the big metaphysical questions

about the nature of reality, the self, and God to the daily struggles we have living

with ourselves and others. Similar to other belief systems, Buddhism contains a

plethora of lists: The Four Noble Truths, The Eightfold Path, The Three Jewels,

The Eight Worldly Winds, The Five Aggregates, The Three Baskets, The 12 Chairs

of Existence, The Six Premitas, The Three Poisons, The Four Brahman Viharas,

The Five Precepts and others, seven was not a lucky number for the Buddhists

apparently. These lists do help guide our discussions: for example, David

currently organizes his dharma talks around the Eightfold Path. The more you

study Buddhism, though the more you understand how interconnected the

teachings and lists are. One member, Josh, tried to make a web chart to visualize

all of the teachings linking together, an exercise he soon found to be futile, given

Buddhism’s circular and nonlinear nature. For four American white guys

accustomed to a western way of thought, Buddhism’s eastern philosophical

framework forces us to change our worldview. Specifically we have focused on

how Anatman, the egolessness of a non Sufi is difficult to grasp in an

individualistic society where the “I” is prized.

    On a practical level, we've discussed how letting go of the ego, a world centered

on “I” reduces suffering while incarcerated. When you remove yourself from

thought frames like “I’m right, they’re wrong,” ,” I’m being inconvenienced by

this, I need this now,” I’m a failure,” dissatisfaction wanes.

    In a recent meeting, group member Stephen shared an experience where his ego

arose. The cooling system had build in a building on a sweltering June night

earlier that week, so as an electrician worker he and others were called out to

repair it. Steven went through the diagnostic process he usually does but couldn't

identify the problem with the unit. Where another technician came in he quickly

identified the issue, a glitch Steven knew to be an obvious one he had dealt with

before. He mentally chastised himself for overlooking the problem, especially in

front of others he respected. Later, he knew his ego was in control, a good self-

awareness but wanted to know how to calm and quiet the mind. We offered

encouragement to Steven for recognizing in learning from his errors, and I

suggested self-compassion practices.

    Over weeks and months and years we've developed an environment of trust and

security where people feel comfortable to share their inner most thoughts and

seek out perspectives. Often, we don't arrive at a definitive answer and have a

disagreement, but wisdom surfaces by hours end. As a verse in the Dhammapada

states, “If for company you find a wise and prudent friend who leads a good life,

you should ,overcoming all impediments keep his company joyously and

mindfully.” In an environment surrounded by individuals making toxic and

unwholesome choices, I go to the refuge of my Buddhist group for fellowship,

perspective and insight

    Before I left to self-surrender last May, I mailed a contact information lists to be

at Fed Med on my arrival. On the side I wrote “One Breath at a Time”, a reminder

to stay grounded in the moment and in practice no matter what transpires. In his

Dan Harris interview Fleet Maull stated his Buddhism practice gave him the

mental and spiritual tools to navigate 15 years of incarceration. Although he

seldom shared, his feat with others, he experienced the most peace and joy of his

life up to that point there.

    I have had moments of bliss as well: watching autumn leaves fall, reading a letter

from a loved one, listening to an intriguing NPR story, savoring a cup of instant

coffee, listening to the hum of fans, watching men engaged in a deep

conversation, feeling a runner high, washing my hands, and other moments of

stillness. In moments of tension and anxiety, I tried to return to the simple and

the beautiful breath, it's Ins and outs, a reminder that all moments and

experiences, are temporary, including my time incarcerated. When I leave Fed

Meds walls, I will not be the same person who entered but my Buddhist practice

will guide my path, one step, one moment when breath at a time.